"Report from Above:  Baptists Table Differences" (April 2004)

Heaven (Golden Street Wire Service) – “They’ve had 2000 years to overcome legalism and embrace grace, but they keep breaking into more and more groups,” said Peter with a deep sigh. “When they are not battling with all others factions, they are battling among themselves.”

Viewed from above, Christian conflicts on earth seem rather childish, this reporter has observed.

“They’ve obscured Jesus so much that he is hard to recognize,” the renowned heavenly gatekeeper added. “And they keep getting salvation all mixed up with their politics and culture.”

When pressed for details, Peter pointed to Baptists as a prime example. 

“I had high hopes for Baptists at one time,” he said. “They started off so well.” 

Peter explained how early Baptists understood the Written Word as witness to the Living Word and the foundation for faith and life, and how they recognized that believers were priests before God through Christ and that faith cannot be coerced by earthly powers, whether secular or religious in nature. 

“But now…” said Peter, whose voice trailed off for a few seconds — which here seems like an eternity.  “But now…  so many have turned away from their first love and are having an affair with worldly power.”

Local resident J. Frank Norris overheard the discussion and butted in. With a hearty laugh — yes, a laugh — he readily admitted to being one who lost his focus.

 “When I first got here, I thought I was in the wrong place,” said Norris. “The first person I saw was Edgar Y. Mullins, whom I had despised as a liberal Baptist on earth.” 

“I wasn’t about to sit at the table with him,” said Norris, “even if you can now eat all the fried chicken you want and stay light as a feather!”

Norris said that if he had remained in his earthly form, he might have even tried to burn down this place.

“But there are no matches up here,” he said with a chuckle.  “So I would have needed old Elijah to ‘Baal’ me out.”

Though Heaven is a happy place, Norris said he still gets a little sad when recalling how hard it is for Christian folk on earth to get along.

“Yeah, it’s something Mullie and I talk about while we are playing cards,” said Norris. “And don’t tell him, but I always let him win.”

Baptists, of course, are not the only ones learning lessons up here that they missed below, said Peter — finally regaining control of the conversation.

Fellowship in the celestial city caters to a variety of tastes: Methodist casseroles, Presbyterian beef, Lutheran cheese with complementary drinks, Quaker oatmeal, Catholic breads and something real spicy for the Pentecostals.

However, is not uncommon to see a good Baptist swapping a piece of fried chicken for some Methodist casserole, although it took several decades for the Landmark Baptists to get used to the idea. 

And most 20th century Baptists still lend a judging eye to their 16th and 17th century counterparts who wash down their fried chicken with something stronger than sweet tea.

Assimilation does not come easy. Strict Calvinist Baptists — like John Gill and Charles Spurgeon — found Baptist integration a little more difficult than most. They more readily buddied up to the Orthodox Presbyterians who served mint juleps and often quipped, “I knew that!”

Heavenly worship and preaching seem to be acquired tastes as well for many residents.  When all the denominations get together, most observers agreed, the music always sounds wonderful.  Even the Church of Christ folk have finally embraced the air harp.

“But the preaching,” said Paul, pulling himself closer to the press conference table, “is where things really get interesting.”

“The first time a fundamentalist Baptist preacher hears a woman preaching, he will inevitably run to me for help,” said Paul.

They always want to know how the great Apostle could let such a thing happen.

“I just tell them we go with the best we have — and most of you guys weren’t nearly as good of preachers on earth as you thought you were.”

 “But we like getting all kinds of Baptists coming in here,” Isaiah piped in. “It just takes a bit of heavenly orientation.”

“Like when that newcomer W. A. Criswell arrived all eager to run this place,” the retired prophet continued. “We’re just sent him on over to Foz’s table — you know, Harry Emerson Fosdick.”

Isaiah said everyone is eager for Criswell to preach — as soon as he sits through the required 99,999 sermons by others.

“Lately W. A. has been handling it pretty well,” he noted. “Why, the other day I even heard him mutter an ‘Amen’ during a sermon.”

Another newcomer, Herschel Hobbs, is said to have made an immediate impression on Abraham, one of the longer-term residents.

“That young fellow came walking through the gates and didn’t seem the least bit surprised at finding all kinds of Baptists and other church folk here,” said Father Abraham. “And, better yet, he already knew and trusted most of them.”

People on earth tend to be quite curious about life in eternity, one reporter noted. Does anyone know how many Baptists are in Heaven now?

“It’s kinda hard to say,” responded Moses, known for working well with numbers.  “There are more than I can shake my staff at, that’s for sure — and the longer they are here, well … the more they just blend in with the other residents."